The title of this blog is a small and extremely succinct progression of interpersonal relationships. For most people they will agree right away that this seems to be the normal progression of how humanity in the North American and Western culture progresses to deeper and more meaningful relationships. Admittedly, there are exceptions to this progression. There may be certain circumstances that might prevent the progress, or that propel a relationship further along by skipping a step. Either way, most people would agree with this progression.
There is a popular commercial that is circulating on the Internet advertising Google+ called “Google+: Circles Love Story”. The commercial is a split screen of a man and woman using Google+ circles to define their relationship. The commercial begins with the creation of a “circle” of people and progresses from “creeper” to “maybe” to “keepers.” The reason the commercial is so captivating is because it points to the natural and often experienced reality of relational progression. It hits us right where we are and confirms our suspicions and our experiences. See commercial below.
Because I am a pastor, I get the privilege to do premarital counseling with couples before their “big day.” One of the first things I want to know is the story of how they came to the place where they are – wanting to get married. I have heard some amazing stories. The most common theme among all the stories is that the couple started out as “just friends.” Admittedly, this stage in their relationship seemed to be all that their relationship was destined for but things changed. Some couples can’t even point to the moment when it happened, or the thing that caused them to look at each other with new eyes; it “just sort of happened” they say. At this point the couple will turn to each other and giggle and laugh and smile and adore one another. Progression.
As the premarital counseling continues over a period of weeks or months, there are a number of categories and subjects we talk about. We cover finances, where to spend the holidays with which family, intimacy, and friendship. One of the questions that the premarital curriculum asks is: “do you feel comfortable with your partner spending time with people of the opposite sex?” The answer is given in a 1-5 scale with 5 being completely comfortable. I have never had a couple that answers 5 on that question. So I follow up with a question of my own: “do you believe men and women can be friends? If so, then why the uncomfortability?” The answers vary from couple to couple. Some will say it’s because there are lingering trust issues, others will admit they feel threatened, and others will feel comfortable with their partner being a friend to someone else, but they don’t feel comfortable with that someone else being a friend to their partner.
Which finally leads me to why I write this. I don’t think men and women ought to be “best-friends” because there are too many variables, which might skew the intentions and introduce unwanted romantic emotions into an otherwise harmless relationship.
So, what is a “best-friend?” This phrase and this kind of relationship is a difficult one to define, but we might be able to get somewhere if we look at the characteristics of a friend as described by another friend who consider themselves “best friends.” Friendship at any level has some basic similarities; it’s based on likability (hard to be friends with people you don’t like, let alone best friends), trust, honesty, and care. To these descriptions we can plumb to deeper and deeper depths and that is where we begin to see the difference between a friend and a best friend.
I trust many women, but I don’t trust any woman with my heart other than my wife. I like many women, but there is no woman I would rather hangout with than my wife. I am quite honest with many woman, but there is no woman that knows the real me; the ugly and beautiful me; the truly honest me; no one but my wife. I care deeply for many women, but there is no woman I care for more than my wife. That’s why my best friend is my wife. The deeper my friendship with my future wife went, the more of a best friend she became. And the more of a best friend she became, the more I felt a romantic attraction to her. The more of her soul she revealed, the more of hers I became. The more of her heart I knew, the more of my heart she had. She was a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, a best friend, and now family (my wife).
It is possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex with no romantic emotions involved whatsoever so long as each person takes the necessary measures to guard their heart and take control of their mind. It’s easy to allow your heart to grow fond of another friend and that can be harmful to a marriage. A wife may project a likable characteristic of a friend upon her husband and find that her husband falls short and she might begin to wish her husband were more like Frank and less like her husband.
By contrast, I do not think it is possible for people of the opposite sex to be best friends with no romantic emotions involved. A huge component of being best friends is that each friend shares the deepest parts of their heart and reveals their soul to one another. In my personal experience, and in the experiences of others that I have heard of, there seems to be a point where romantic emotions are introduced, willingly or unwillingly, consciously or subconsciously, in any best friend relationship between people of the opposite sex.
Confirming this point is the fact that much of what we consume in the realm of entertainment – specifically, movies – comes from basic observations in reality. It is commonly said that movies mirror reality in some way, shape, or form. Movies may distort reality, portray it, exaggerate it, or even omit much of it, but the bottom line is that the movies we watch, we watch for a reason – they connect to our experiences in reality, which enables us to see ourselves in the characters or circumstances of the movie.
So, when we look at the movies, what do we find? I’m not a connoisseur of movies, but I have watched enough to see something interesting about best friends being the opposite sex – it’s dangerous and messy. “My Best Friends Wedding” shows us that you can be best friends, but even in that relationship there is subconscious romantic feelings that you may have been suppressing but may come out if triggered. “Boys and Girls” is a movie about college students who experience the progression of relationship and finally become best friends. However, the friendship is challenged by romantic feelings that lead to sex and ruin the relationship. For even best friends of the opposite sex develop romantic feelings for one another. And how many movies have we seen where a young, beautiful secretary is the object of a married man’s affections and we find a story of infidelity, broken trust, and a harmless friendship turned into something more?
Can men and women be simply friends? Yes. However, as stated above, that can only happen if both the mind and the heart are under control and there are important and immovable boundaries in place. Can men and women be simply best friends with no romantic emotions involved? Maybe, for a season (like minutes or hours), but even to get to the point where you would consider that person a best friend you have probably stopped guarding your heart because you WANT to be known more deeply – due to the romantic emotions you may have.
I believe a relationship between a man and a woman that garners the title “best friend” is healthy only in the context of marriage. For it’s only in this covenant relationship that you have the security of knowing that the part of you that has been given to another is in safe hands. As a husband, I wish to make my whole self – soul and body – available to my wife. I want her to have my full heart; and I want hers. I condemn any intruder that may interfere in that most holy and loving exchange of souls and hearts. And I believe that a friendship categorized as “best friends” is an intrusion; therefore, I condemn it.
To say a bit more than I have time to explain: when you can classify your relationship with someone of the opposite sex as “best friend”, then you ought to have enough breath in your lungs to utter “I do” at the same time. Better to be a guest and a hero in the home of ones heart than an intruder and a villain.
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